The life that looks good on the outside

A few years ago I worked in Deloitte. My office was in World Financial Center and I was working as a securitization consultant structuring Asset Backed Security. I was living on 26th floor very close to New York. Everybody around me thought that I was living the dream, only that I was suffering very badly from inside.

My husband asked me every night, “ Are you happy now? You got what you wanted. “ I was afraid to tell him the truth. Only because I had put my heart and soul into getting this job.

I believe we as human beings have immense power to achieve anything we want. Me getting this job was that kind of story. I was studying MBA in the University of Oklahoma. On my first day of orientation, one of the career management professor spoke to a group of international students. He said the chances of international students getting a job was very slim when Americans weren’t getting any jobs in the financial meltdown. That was the vibe all around of Oklahoma and I was ready to get out of it.

I went all out getting the full help of career management folks in connecting with the right people, flying to New York on my own money to meet them and network. I truly believe if we take 4 steps towards the direction of our dreams, the universe (or God) meets us halfway. That is how I got the opportunity to interview at Deloitte. A laser sharp focus to achieve what we want also helps. After three months of toiling for this job and getting it, I was working with a bad manager.

She harassed and put me down every single day. My self esteem had not grown that much during that time, so I tried to do my job well every day, but it was getting worse. I used to have anxiety attacks in the office when I ran to the bathroom and cried. My Sunday evenings were spent in stomach pain and sometimes even throwing up. Slowly my performance was also deteriorating.

After years of suffering in jobs, I know all that matters is my self confidence and my “mojo” and there is no reason or need to put up with these kinds of people who don’t respect me. With our confidence we can get and achieve anything we want and the old rules of being a good subordinate and listening and exactly executing what we are told are no longer rules of the new millennium.

Compare my life to now. I am trying to build my businesses while raising my baby boy. My internal world is joyful and fulfilled that I am doing something that will have meaning in the long term. People think I gave up my passion for my baby, when I know my baby was the reason I am living the life that really makes me joyful everyday.

Now, think for yourself. Which life would you prefer? The one that looks good on the outside but just makes you suffer everyday? Or the one where you wake up super motivated everyday, but doesn’t seem as perfect from outside? It think the choice is pretty simple for me.